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- mahnoor nadeem
- Nov 10, 2022
- 5 min read
Did you notice that you usually think and act in specific ways in romantic relationships? Maybe you’re envious and afraid of being alone for too long, or you feel confident and trusting of your partner.
One possible explanation for these patterns is attachment theory. Knowing your unique attachment style can assist you in becoming more self-aware and building healthier long-term partnerships.
Attachment style theory
Founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory summarizes how your bond with your primary caregivers sets the foundation for navigating relationships throughout life.
“The theory states that the primary goal of a human infant is to maintain proximity to its caregiver, [which] was necessary for survival during our evolution,” explains Krista Jordan, PhD, a psychologist and couples therapist in Texas.
“Bowlby believed that because of this evolution, infants and toddlers were monitoring their parents to see what strategies would allow them to stay close,” Jordan says.
According to the theory, there are four types of attachment styles:
Secure
Avoidant (aka dismissive or anxious-avoidant in children)
Anxious (aka preoccupied or anxious-ambivalent in children)
Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant in children)
Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are considered insecure attachment styles.
If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfil their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space to express their emotions freely.
On the other hand, insecure attachment styles develop if a child has had a strained bond with their caregivers. It happens when the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to fulfil basic needs and comfort.
Attachment style, adulthood, and romantic relationships
“We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and therefore, we act in certain ways due to these expectations,” says Jordan. These tendencies play out whether or not we realize it.
Regardless of your primary relationships, you can change attachment styles.
“The most important takeaway is realizing that someone can change from an insecure attachment style and develop healthy and secure bonds in future relationships,” explains Katarzyna Peoples, PhD, a relationship counsellor and core faculty member at Walden University’s Counseling Education and Supervision doctoral program.
What’s a secure attachment style?
According to many people, secure attachment is building healthy, long-lasting relationships.
How does it develop?
Secure attachment results from feeling confident with your caregivers from childhood and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without punishment.
Ultimately, you felt safe, understood, comforted, and valued during your early interactions.
Your caregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of their emotions and behaviors.
“Hence, children model (imitate) secure attachment as well as receive it from their caregivers,” Peoples adds.
Signs and Symptoms
Signs of a secure attachment style include:
ability to regulate your emotions
easily trusting others
effective communication skills
ability to seek emotional support
comfortable being alone
comfortable in close relationships
knowledge to self-reflect in partnerships
being easy to connect with
ability to manage conflict well
high self-esteem
ability to be emotionally available
How does it manifest in relationships?
“Securely attached people grow up feeling secure emotionally and physically and can engage in the world with others in a healthy way,” says Peoples.
As a result, people with secure attachment styles tend to navigate relationships well. They’re generally positive, trusting, and loving to their partners.
“They trust their partners’ intentions and jealousy is often not an issue for them,” adds Peoples. “Securely attached people feel that they’re worthy of love and don’t need external reassurance.”
What’s an avoidant attachment style?
Avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or anxious-avoidant are all words for the same insecure attachment style.
“It’s defined by failures to build long-term relationships with others due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy,” says Peoples.
How does it develop?
You may have had strict or emotionally distant and absent caregivers in childhood.
Your caregivers may have:
left you to fend for yourself
expected you to be independent
reprimanded you for depending on them
rejected you when expressing your needs or emotions
been slow to respond to your basic needs
“Some avoidant-producing parents are outright neglectful but others are simply busy, slightly disinterested, and more concerned with things like grades, chores, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or fears,” adds Jordan.
As a result, Peoples says these children may learn to adopt a strong sense of independence, so they don’t have to rely on anyone else for care or support.
Signs and Symptoms
You might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style if you:
avoid emotional or physical intimacy
feel a strong sense of independence
are uncomfortable expressing your feelings
feel threatened
spend more time alone
believe you don’t need others
have commitment issues
How does it manifest in relationships?
Peoples says anxious-avoidant attached adults may tend to navigate relationships at arm’s length.
“The need for emotional intimacy is simply lacking in this type of individual, so romantic relationships are not able to reach any level of depth,” she adds.
“While they allow romantic partners to engage with them, they avoid getting emotionally close,” Peoples explains. “A partner may feel as if they can never get inside and will inevitably be stone-walled or dismissed when the relationship feels too serious for the anxious-avoidant partner.”
What’s an anxious attachment style?
Anxious attachment style also called anxious-ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied — is another type of insecure attachment described by:
codependent tendencies
fear of rejection and abandonment
depending on a partner for validation and emotional regulation
How does it develop?
This attachment style arises from inconsistent parenting that isn’t attuned to a child’s needs.
“These children have difficulty understanding their caregivers and have no security for what to expect from them moving forward. They’re often confused within their parental relationships and feel unstable,” says Peoples.
“Children with this attachment style experience very high distress when their caregivers leave. Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs while at other times, they will not be attuned to their children,” she adds.
If you have an anxious attachment style, Jordan notes that your parents may also have:
alternated between being overly coddling and detached or indifferent
been easily overwhelmed
been sometimes attentive and then pushed you away
made you responsible for how they felt
Signs and Symptoms
Signs you might have an anxious attachment style contain:
clingy tendencies
highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
needing approval from others
jealous tendencies
difficulty being alone
low self-esteem
feeling unworthy of love
intense fear of rejection
significant fear of abandonment
difficulty trusting others
How does it manifest in relationships?
According to Peoples, people with anxious attachment styles usually feel unworthy of love and need constant reassurance from their partners.
“They often blame themselves for challenges in the relationship and can exhibit frequent and intense jealousy or distrust due to poor self-esteem,” she says.
Ultimately, there’s a deep-rooted fear of being abandoned, rejected, or alone. And those fears typically express themselves in these ways.
What’s a disorganized attachment style?
“Anxious-disorganized attachment is defined as having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others,” says Peoples.
How does it develop?
The most common causes of a disorganized attachment style are childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Fear of their parents is also present.
Children with this attachment style may need clarification.
“Caregivers are inconsistent and are often seen as sources of comfort and fear by their children, which leads to their disorganized behaviors,” explains Peoples.
Signs and Symptoms
Signs of a disorganized attachment style include:
fear of rejection
inability to regulate emotions
contradictory behaviors
high levels of anxiety
difficulty trusting others
symptoms of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles
This type is also associated with mental health conditions in adulthood, including:
mood disorders
personality disorders
self-harm
substance use disorder
How does it manifest in relationships?
People with disorganized attachment styles tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior in relationships. Jordan says they alternate between being aloof and independent and clingy and emotional.
“While they desperately seek love, they also push partners away because of the fear of love,” says Peoples. “They believe that they’ll always be rejected, but they don’t avoid emotional intimacy. They fear it, and they also consistently seek it out, only to reject it again.”
“They perceive their partners as unpredictable, and they themselves behave in unpredictable ways within their relationships as they continue to wrestle between the need for security and fear,”